An Imperfect Body Reflects An Imperfect Person

Friday, February 11, 2005

1:02PM - Throw Rocks at Stupid People!

So yeah. Hurray for self control. I haven't updated in a while, but I've lost a few pounds, down to about 119 now. Guys suck! lol, i'm in such a random mood right now. i also feel really slutty..hehe...again woohoo for self control right? I'm frustrated with school, guys, profs, all that crap, and now my mom's bitching to me that if i keep loosing weight like i have been she's gonna admit me. GRRRR!
Any ideas to keep her off my back would be great!
Love Ya'll
You're all an awesome support group, I love reading about ya!
Staci
-oh btw...there's this girl in my comp class who's really pissing me off. she's doing her research paper on ana, and started telling me about 'these girls who go to pro anorexic websites and have the common goal to die in the end'. any idea of how frustrating it was to try to explain to her that not all of us have the common goal to die, but to have a support group without people like her critizing and putting us down?!?! arg! I hate stupid people!

Current mood:

<-little mouse is so cute!

Current music: Howie Day- Collide

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Sunday, January 23, 2005

2:51PM - Inpiration...not pics...but rather songs!

Yeah, pics work. But sometimes I just need a different outlet for my fattyness!
I have this song, aboslutley love it (watch, it probably has some weird hidden meaning) but i still like it!

Omnipresent phrase in my mind
Spoken word I've said one million times
Who are you to tell me it'll always be this way
I close my eyes and I turn around
And leave it all behind

So free for the moment
Lost somewhere between the earth and the sky
So free for the moment
Lost because I wanna be lost
Don't try to find me

Always try to breeze through my life
Repetitious things I've done one million times
Who are you to tell me that I'll always be this way
I close my eyes and I turn around
And leave it all behind

What could I do
It's not such a terrible thing
What would you do
It's not such a terrible thing

So free for the moment
Lost somewhere between the earth and the sky
So free for the moment
Lost because I wanna be lost
So free for the moment
Lost somewhere between the earth and the sky
So free for the moment
Lost because I wanna be lost
Don't try to find me
-Free by The Martinis

Lots of songs by Avril make my thinspiration too!
Try...if you're like me and have a bathroom right across the hall from your room...you can blast the music while you purge too *wink wink*

Current mood:

creative

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10:44AM

Arg. So i caved today. had a donut with my mom. bleh, and of course, shes home all freakih day, so i cant get rid of it! haven't had a very good couple of days anyway. I had my feet operated on on Wednesday, so i can't really do anything and feel incredibly lathargic.
If anyone has anthing that'll cheer me up...i'd appreciate it

Current mood:

blah

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Sunday, January 16, 2005

12:35AM

have you ever tried reaching out for help, just before you feel yourself spirailing, only to have the person you're reaching to deny you their help?
i tried telling aaron about all of this shit. i lost my nerve. said nevermind. he got mad. won't talk to me anymore. he's making me choose between him and ana. it's not fair.
sometimes i wish that she(ana) would just come and wisk me away while i'm sleeping. take me away to a form of heaven where i'm just as thin as everyone else, and where i can see it.
oh, how i want to see what he sees. i'd give that more than anything.

i can't take another night of crying myself to sleep. it hurts to cry. the deep breaths pull hard. i can't believe he's making me choose. i don't want to be sick. but i've tried. i don't want to choose. i can't choose.

i want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok. i want that someone to be aaron.

Current mood:

scared

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Saturday, January 15, 2005

10:23PM - Tired

So I used to have a livejournal for a while. Then I got so sick of people adding me to their friends list and not responding. I've realized lately that I need people to talk to about eating (lol...more like not eating). I'm so tired of hiding everything all the time. God, I'm proud of myself when I only eat a few saltiens and water all day. The last thing I need is Aaron (my semi-not really-boyfriend) asking me if I've eaten today. Sometimes I wanna say, "ya know, if you really gave a flying fuck, maybe you'd notice if I had eaten!!!" But the truth is, he does care. Yesterday, we went to a wedding reception for one of his old friends. He went to get a plate of food, and when he came back asked me if I wanted to nibble off his plate (he knows that used to make me more comfortable eating in large groups-it makes it seem like I'm not eating so much). I told him no. He asked me if I had eaten today. I just left it at 'yes.' Part of me feels bad, like I've lied to him. Another part of me says 'too bad for him. He didn't ask for specifics...' I don't know what to do. I know if he finds out what my eating habits have become again, he's not going to want to have anything to do with me. And I dont want to lose him.But it's not that easy. I can't chose between ana and anyone. He's even tried little threats to get me to eat. Like saying, "you wanna have children so badly, if you don't eat, it'll never happen." Grrr. Sometimes I'm so mad at him. WooHoo!! Office Space is on!
Maybe I'll watch that for a while. Forget about things.
I want to join a community, but I'm not sure what one. The first one I found, I felt really comfortable with. Then I found out that the Admin. had died. So I'm not really sure how to join, if that's possible, or where the other members go to talk. I don't know.
I'll get some sleep. Well, some more sleep. Aaron keeps his house so cold, I get so tired. It's cold here at my parents too.

CURRENT STATS
Height: 5'4"
Current weight: 122
Highest weight: 150
Lowest weight: can't remember...even if I could, I know it wasn't low enough
Short term goal weight: 120 (only two pounds! :-D )
Long term goal weight: 112 (realisticlly, it's only 10 pounds=positive thought)
BMI....how do i determine this??

Current mood:

drained